HOME AND ROOTS

I always consider that roots are associated with places rather than people. People say that having grandparents means having roots and its true to an extent. But for me having a place where i can go and relive my childhood is what is meant by ROOTS . I don't know whether this a kind of kink in my nature but having a place of my own which has a sense of security around it means a lot to me.A chance to be able to visit my childhood again ,a place where i can touch something and go back to my past. Its like magic;childhood was a magical time.My roots are where i have spent my childhood .And that place is "SHAKTINAGAR" a small township at the UP MP border.I know i can't go back there again but my heart yearns to be there.I dream about it often.For me that place was my "HOME".The word 'home' different meanings for everyone LEO TOLSTOY had said "home is place where when you go they have to take you in" but for me 'home' is a place where you always want to go........

BLOGS

I have recently developed a new hobby and that is of reading blogs and MY GOD what a revelation so many of have hidden talents in us and the blogs just is one way to show case them
I mean how many people can make a incident which happened 15 years ago sound interesting funny and lyrical well I found out tonight that they can.......
Well you see writing blogs is such a powerful medium people from all walks of life and people of all types are writing and just by a click of a mouse you can have views information and data about everything under the sun and beyond
I recently as a fad just typed in recession (hot topic for job searchers like us)and then I saw so many blogs on the topic and each person has different viewpoint and a different data to support it ans one of the blog was of my classmate too.I am writing about this because I find myself very very blessed that I have such a chance to look into the minds of so many people and that too without actually knowing them .The recent fad my friends are mad about is the TWILIGHT SERIES and and my blessed heart people have also written about this book in their blogs "how can anyone fall in love with their food and the food which is so dumb" oh my gosh I now believe that everyone has a talent and mostly its writing..............

Pact With "DEVIL"

How many times in our life have we made a pact with devil ? well most of us will say no never but let me remind you all of somethings
haven't we all at some time or other prayed to GOD that plz god give me this and in return I'll do this or GOD save me once this time and I'll do this ..... and so on
All this a pact with DEVIL a contract because its only the devil who asks for returns when doing a favour because GOD always gives us what we want only the fact is that he gives us the thing we want most when we need it most........... as IN BHAGWAT GITA lord has said that" jarurat se jyada aur samay se pehle kisi ko kuch nahi milta"
This is what lord wants us to learn patience and the wisdom of asking the right thing
asking for things which we really need instead of things we things we aspire or want.

I BELIEVE IF WE BELIEVE IN GOD HE'LL PROVIDE US ALL WE WANT JUST HAVE FAITH AND STOP MAKING THE PACTS BECAUSE GOD NEVER ASKS ANYTHING IN RETURN FROM US .....

i little towards understanding myself

i always believe that dreams are purest essence of our beings because they actually put forward whats in our subconscious mind , they tell us what we actually are the truths which we hide even from ourselves.
so what has my dreams told me about myself
well essentially i am a problem solver i won't be deterred by any problem i face in my life in one of dreams i have been left alone on a station with notihng in my hand yet without loosing any hope i just plough forward making my way across tunnels and jungles and lonely roads and make my way to the next station where i meet up my friends and catch my train.
this shows that i will not give yet in my real life i give up early so my dreams tell me that i really do have everything i need inside me and can do anything.
well some of my dreams have been real scary yet i have never woken up in a dream after being scared they always reach a logical ending.
sometimes when i have been pursued by snakes i am surrounded by snakes and yet iam finding out ways to solve the situation how to save myself
is it because iam naturally a logical person or just that in my subconscious mind iam a lot more courageous than i really am.
but one thing is sure that i am intrinsically a optimist although i try to be a pessimist in my conscious life
because in my dreams iam the optimist always the winner whatever the situation or condition
and now because of my dreams i am getting the reason to be really so

i don't know how a perfectly good day can turn against you!!!!!!!!!!!! it begins with a bang and then ends in ahhh why? thats because life has a way of giving you speed breakers when you least expect it and the speed breakers are such that they leave you feeling disoriented for hours at a stretch .......... its only when u wake and are trying to pick up the pieces to go back to normal life that u realise that in your disorientation u have lost the pieces..............so how do we deal with the missing pieces
i think that every day in my life is a mystery because each day i try to gather and make sense but in the end i feel i am missing the big picture so whats this puzzle .
at the end i feel that its always better to travel alone because if u start traveling in groups u have to bow to the wishes of majority which i think that its stupid when u have Ur decisions to make and know yourself better so its more good to have a single journey
and i don't believe that i'll be lonely because i have company of myself which is more than enough

And as far as I concerned I am better off alone because somehow my sense of direction of thoughts doesn't match with people around me whether they are friends or foes.

i don't know about others but i have this grave fear of being dependent upon others because i feel that i should not be asking help and i am so paranoid about asking help that i rather remain in hell than ask for help..........but is this a folly i don't think so because i feel that taking someone's help however close i may be to that person just makes me in gratitude of the person and its highly imperative that i return or finish that debt of gratitude
in mahabharta karan had to side with evil only because he was under the debt of duryodhana and i would never want to be in such a situation so i would rather travel alone than incurring debts of my friends which would only bind me more to them
i know my words also show that iam being afraid of any kind binding relation but thats the way i am
i want people to be with me because they want it not because they have to and the same reasoning goes for me
i know my this thought of reasoning wouldn't go well with family because there they are there but then doesn't every one in family have preferences ..
so whta do we make of them
on this note i leave because i need to go

a personal diary is very much like an old friend but ever since starting my mba i have left it as an old rag
i just caught hold of my old diaries and came to know how simple life was a few years back i had nothing to worry about except whether i'll be able to watch my cartoon or not ?
but now woe betide
every day is struggle itself each day feels like century is it because i am not suited to corporate warfare or because i am just plain stupid
umm seeing myself in the context of everyone else i feel that maybe iam just stupid i have lost the interest to live or to be exact the interest to study ,
it just feels like to be over with and done with
just fed up with the stupidity
i think am an underdog a great one but still an underdog

hmmmmmmmmm......... ummmmmmmmmm

as much as i hate the campus what i hate even more is bidding it goodbye unceremoniously
yes thats what happened when the campus was vacated due to outbreak of swine flu
we were given one day to leave the campus and go home
ah i hated going home without ample preparation
i hated being pushed into a routine which i didn't look forward to
and i hate that because of this one week suspended classes i would have to forgo my diwali holidays which is the highlight of the year in my life
but this episode has taught me one thing that nothing is definite in this life everything can change with a blink of the eye
this change was needed but not at such an early hour but lets see what else do we have to face as a punishment for being ill as if illness was not a punishment in itself

nostalgia............

i have seen an interesting phenomenon about myself , i always have happy memories about places i have left although I must have my fair share of ups and downs in that place
take for example banasthali 3 years i was there in that place making my mom dad miserable but and wanting to leave the place but now all i can remember is the laughs i had then
today in the insurance class something the teacher said , started a train of thoughts which took me back to drinking juice in sun (very hot sun) .
i don't usually spend my classes reliving the past but the feeling just got to me and away i went down the memory lane
by the time class got over i was smiling at the air ..............
but i suppose i needed this feeling as it just rejuvenated me
i just realised there was something very positive in the atmosphere .......
so till the next time.......

lazy and perfectionist
hmm can there be paradoxes in human nature ? yes i am the living example of such a paradox
i know iam very lazy yet i know that i want to be perfect in anything and everything but just because i am lazy i don't do it
so what does that means ..................
am i lazy or am i a perfectionist or am i a lazy perfectionist
most perfectionists are hard workers
so maybe iam just lazy?
hmm paradoxes
well lets see whether i'll be able to handle such paradoxes or not in my own self
life will remain forever a journey towards self discovery......................
today in a class i was jolted to the earth by a remark made casually by a teacher
what motivates a soldier to fight for his country and die for it
this question indeed sets my mind thinking (it hardly wants to do anything strenuous anymore)
is it patriotism or is it because of traditions or something else
what drives a human to give up his life for his country?
i have never been touch with soldiers and now i have this urge to read and know about them
hmmmm lets see when i get this opportunity

things are not going as they should be the end and beginning have been entwined and am walking a thin cord of balance . loosing balance is so easy and will be so much the easier option but ihave taken up the job of walking the cord . whys that people ask me and so i ask myself why not follow the easier way ? but i can't because what is easier is not always right . going ahead is so hard so much so that at every step i take ahead i am pushed back 2 steps but since i have choosen this path i have to walk come what may
the times are not right and i have lost the golden touch my faith in the higher power is wavering and so is my faith in me where am going i don't know but moving ahead is is the only option i have so here goes
whatever i have touched has gone bad and yet i continue because i can't give up

about myself

"journey of a thousand miles starts with single step"
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that, the passing there Had worn them really about the sameAnd both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference
I AM A THOUSAND WINDSTHAT BLOWIAM THE DIAMOND GLINTS ON SNOWI AM THE SUNLIGHT ON RIPENED GRAINIAM THE GENLE AUTUMN RAINWHEN YOU AWAKEN IN THE MORNING'S HUSHIAM THE SWIFT UPLIFTING RUSHOF QUIET BIRDS IN CIRCLED FLIGHTIAM THE SOFT STARS THAT SHINE AT NIGHT