Imagine a free bird soaring in the sky . Then see that same bird in a cage . What would that bird be doing would it be sitting complacently . No it would be hopping mad all round the cage. Its eyes will only be focused on the open sky outside . It would be hopping jumping trying to find out the way outside so that It can soar away again. The once free bird now in a cage is what represents my mindset now. I feel as if I am mentally caged . I can’t but hop on everywhere , I am trying so hard to find a way out of the cage which is there. How hard it is to find a way out of invisible cage . A cage of my own thoughts , my own feelings , my own fears . I am hopping inside a cage self created by me . A cage whose door I don’t even know exists or not.
I feel the need of freedom but what can be more free than imagination which runs at a speed of light. But still my imagination cannot cast away the sinking feeling of dark depressing thoughts . Sleep only casts a temporary relief as a blanket will on a caged bird’s hopping.
As soon as my eyes open my mind starts struggling in a cage which is unrelenting in its solidness.What scares me more than this cage, is the thought that this cage is created by me for myself. Where have I thrown the key of this cage . Who will free me from a cage which exists in my mind but is still crippling me .
And then a thought persists at the back of my mind whether do I want to free myself of the cage . A rebellious thought occurs- who doesn’t want freedom , but then why cage yourself in one place , one thought one scenario – A fixed circle of thoughts
A swirling whirlpool of thoughts engulf my mind . I don’t know anymore which is real , what is just an imagination . Its becomes a dream like state where everything is unconnected but yet there is a conviction, a deep seated conviction that there is a subtle link . That link is hidden behind a dark blanket of thoughts so threatening that I cannot even go inside . A door created by own fears . A door which I suffer to open
And yet my mind longs for freedom, a chance for imagination to run free, faster than the speed of light.
What is it that my mind is searching for . It must be something very great for something which is so hard to get that a thing as powerful as a human being’s imagination , a mind cannot but just long for it
May be it can be described as something as simple but as elusive as PEACE.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Banasthali @ 1st year
The first year proved to be very difficult and yet very memorable. I changed from a person who had absolutely no identity to make my own way in a society so very different from where I had existed before
I made new friends , as an individual I started growing getting to know my own strengths and weakness ,apart from studies which were interesting the hostel life was enthralling . I will always remember my mom’s words hostel life teaches you more about yourself in a short span of time rather than whole life
And now I fully concur with her views.
When you live in a restricted space with 4 other people very few things are left personal and private . in banasthali the only source of entertainment was either talking among ourselves or the library , there was no tv , no recreation centre nothing. I had books to read and the library was huge but until my second year I didn’t spend a lot of time in library . my first year is marked by fights I had , I am not a violent person , actually more likely to be peace loving who wants to spend life in harmony with one and all , but then I discovered that I had huge ego , and well having ego causes you to get into meaning less spats and so did I and mostly with Veni who was my first friend. Our fights were legendary mainly because Veni was a person with extremes tempers , she was either the sweetest or the sourest or the angriest , never did she do things in moderations but that doesn’t mean that I was any less to blame for our fights .i was stubborn and thought that my way was the right way. Clashes between us lead to many tears and remonstrations but we always made up
He first year Is also marked by my ability to do things which I never believed I could , I was growing confident and I was participating politics , yep the inter politics between rooms and roommates
Since we all had communal bathrooms(yeah 10 people shared one bathroom –its urgh but quite common )there was always a fight going on who will use the bathroom first, these politics took comic turns when we used to get up in middle of the night at around 3 am just to keep out bucket in the bathroom to mark our places in the queue.the first year also marked my friendship with Shreya , she was my school friend whom I had lost touch and yet we met again and rekindled the friendship, she is still one of my best friends and I’ll say just one thing that it was her commonsense and her being with me which made my days of banasthali sweeter than ever. Shreya had you been not there I would have nowhere to go when i felt lost and alone , and I just like to say that I’ll trust you blindly with my life
I met many people like Richa , Swati , Savita , Savita (they were two of them) Sunita , Shuchita Garima Ankita Singh,Shulagna , Priyanka
These people came to my life and changed it forever , they taught me about friend ships. I specially admired Ankita Singh who became a very good friend whom I’ll always look upto as one of the most dedicated people ever , then Shulagna with whom I can talk for hours about the books we read and enjoyed, Richa a sweet little girl , so short so puny but as brave as a lioness.
I learnt how to use money and what importance it holds, I learnt what being alone meant even when you are surrounded by well meaning friends , what being scared frightened means in real sense .i spent many hours alone on the terrace of my hostel watching the sky which was filled with stars . I have never till then and since then seen a sky so lighted up with stars shining so brightly. In retrospect I think all the things which existed in banasthali had a different ,meaning of their own in the midst of a desert
I also started a new relationship with God , earlier at home I was only pleading with him but in bansthali I started talking to him as friend . I had been in the process of recording my thoughts in diary and in banasthali it became almost naught because I had so many trustworthy friends .
There are many incidents which are worth mentioning in my first year, the time when we saw UFO’s , the time of violent inter room politics, the journey between love hatred and betrayal among two friends
The journeys which we took too and fro from banasthali which were an adventure in itself.
These and lots more .....
I made new friends , as an individual I started growing getting to know my own strengths and weakness ,apart from studies which were interesting the hostel life was enthralling . I will always remember my mom’s words hostel life teaches you more about yourself in a short span of time rather than whole life
And now I fully concur with her views.
When you live in a restricted space with 4 other people very few things are left personal and private . in banasthali the only source of entertainment was either talking among ourselves or the library , there was no tv , no recreation centre nothing. I had books to read and the library was huge but until my second year I didn’t spend a lot of time in library . my first year is marked by fights I had , I am not a violent person , actually more likely to be peace loving who wants to spend life in harmony with one and all , but then I discovered that I had huge ego , and well having ego causes you to get into meaning less spats and so did I and mostly with Veni who was my first friend. Our fights were legendary mainly because Veni was a person with extremes tempers , she was either the sweetest or the sourest or the angriest , never did she do things in moderations but that doesn’t mean that I was any less to blame for our fights .i was stubborn and thought that my way was the right way. Clashes between us lead to many tears and remonstrations but we always made up
He first year Is also marked by my ability to do things which I never believed I could , I was growing confident and I was participating politics , yep the inter politics between rooms and roommates
Since we all had communal bathrooms(yeah 10 people shared one bathroom –its urgh but quite common )there was always a fight going on who will use the bathroom first, these politics took comic turns when we used to get up in middle of the night at around 3 am just to keep out bucket in the bathroom to mark our places in the queue.the first year also marked my friendship with Shreya , she was my school friend whom I had lost touch and yet we met again and rekindled the friendship, she is still one of my best friends and I’ll say just one thing that it was her commonsense and her being with me which made my days of banasthali sweeter than ever. Shreya had you been not there I would have nowhere to go when i felt lost and alone , and I just like to say that I’ll trust you blindly with my life
I met many people like Richa , Swati , Savita , Savita (they were two of them) Sunita , Shuchita Garima Ankita Singh,Shulagna , Priyanka
These people came to my life and changed it forever , they taught me about friend ships. I specially admired Ankita Singh who became a very good friend whom I’ll always look upto as one of the most dedicated people ever , then Shulagna with whom I can talk for hours about the books we read and enjoyed, Richa a sweet little girl , so short so puny but as brave as a lioness.
I learnt how to use money and what importance it holds, I learnt what being alone meant even when you are surrounded by well meaning friends , what being scared frightened means in real sense .i spent many hours alone on the terrace of my hostel watching the sky which was filled with stars . I have never till then and since then seen a sky so lighted up with stars shining so brightly. In retrospect I think all the things which existed in banasthali had a different ,meaning of their own in the midst of a desert
I also started a new relationship with God , earlier at home I was only pleading with him but in bansthali I started talking to him as friend . I had been in the process of recording my thoughts in diary and in banasthali it became almost naught because I had so many trustworthy friends .
There are many incidents which are worth mentioning in my first year, the time when we saw UFO’s , the time of violent inter room politics, the journey between love hatred and betrayal among two friends
The journeys which we took too and fro from banasthali which were an adventure in itself.
These and lots more .....
Banasthali part 1
Have you ever seen a wide expanse of land and then its full of girls .
I am not talking about a dream of a perverted male ,I am talking of the real thing place which is the place for girls , they say its for studies and learning the culture of India , but for me its was a place where I learnt some important concepts of life . I am talking about Banasthali Vidyapith
A huge campus nearly 70 km northwest of Jaipur Rajasthan.A purely for girls institution.
If you climb up at the top of any building in the campus where you see you find the land for banasthali
I am not here to describe the land area or even the geography , what I am about to tell is the short version of the life I spent there
People will surely laugh because I am saying that 3 years were life ,but it was because I learnt a lot about life from that place
The journey started in my mind, every girl every boy has a dream a certain images in mind when he/she first imagines what college would be like ,I too had images taken from movies and shows which showed people lounging in canteens and a colourful place where an individual first begins the life making his /her personality a place of being myself without the pressure of parents .
And instead I reached banasthali, a village which followed gurukul like tendencies for GIRLS
I reached the place and all my dreams were shattered all I could see were rows of buildings and a tin shed instead of a colourful canteen
I was miffed at myself , I had made banasthali as a choice because I wanted to be away from parents from home so tht I could start finding my own way and look what a choice I made a village where we had to bring our own utensils and bucket for our own use.
I was with my parents who were trying to smile and make me feel good about a decision which I had taken on my own , after completion of my admission formalities I was allotted a hostel for biotech /Bsc bioscience first year .
I made a purchase of table fan and my dad slipped me my first mobile superciliously because mobiles were banned in banasthali(yeah in this day and age). We reached the hostel which looked like any other building and we were told to wait as the warden of the hostel whom we were to call “JIJI” was not available.i came out of the hostel to see a car standing beside our car and a girl who looked very elegant standing leaning on the bonnet . my cousin who had accompanied us to nudged me and promptly named her car wali ladki.
The next thing I knew what happened was that my parents and the girl’s parents started talking and they hit it off while me and the elegant girl who were most likely to be classmates were standing looking as if not caring but still appraising each other . there must have been something wrong with my face because she smiled at me the next instant , which broke the tension. The warden arrived that instant and we were asked to come inside
In side the room where warden decided the rooms we’ll take I and the elegant girl whom I’ll later know as veni became attached to each other and were granted the same room .
As I made my way through the hostel and to the room which was to be my home for next one year I felt a certain butterfly effect in my stomach , it was due to excitement or nervousness I can’t figure out.
The luggage formalities were all done and then I glanced back at my mom who had leave any second
Veni and I went downstairs to the gate of the hostel where both of us wished our parents goodbye , I felt tears stinging my eyes as I saw them go but I wiped them away and looked back at the hostel which was to be my home for new adventures and then with rising excitement I went back to my room feeling sure that this is what was to be …
I am not talking about a dream of a perverted male ,I am talking of the real thing place which is the place for girls , they say its for studies and learning the culture of India , but for me its was a place where I learnt some important concepts of life . I am talking about Banasthali Vidyapith
A huge campus nearly 70 km northwest of Jaipur Rajasthan.A purely for girls institution.
If you climb up at the top of any building in the campus where you see you find the land for banasthali
I am not here to describe the land area or even the geography , what I am about to tell is the short version of the life I spent there
People will surely laugh because I am saying that 3 years were life ,but it was because I learnt a lot about life from that place
The journey started in my mind, every girl every boy has a dream a certain images in mind when he/she first imagines what college would be like ,I too had images taken from movies and shows which showed people lounging in canteens and a colourful place where an individual first begins the life making his /her personality a place of being myself without the pressure of parents .
And instead I reached banasthali, a village which followed gurukul like tendencies for GIRLS
I reached the place and all my dreams were shattered all I could see were rows of buildings and a tin shed instead of a colourful canteen
I was miffed at myself , I had made banasthali as a choice because I wanted to be away from parents from home so tht I could start finding my own way and look what a choice I made a village where we had to bring our own utensils and bucket for our own use.
I was with my parents who were trying to smile and make me feel good about a decision which I had taken on my own , after completion of my admission formalities I was allotted a hostel for biotech /Bsc bioscience first year .
I made a purchase of table fan and my dad slipped me my first mobile superciliously because mobiles were banned in banasthali(yeah in this day and age). We reached the hostel which looked like any other building and we were told to wait as the warden of the hostel whom we were to call “JIJI” was not available.i came out of the hostel to see a car standing beside our car and a girl who looked very elegant standing leaning on the bonnet . my cousin who had accompanied us to nudged me and promptly named her car wali ladki.
The next thing I knew what happened was that my parents and the girl’s parents started talking and they hit it off while me and the elegant girl who were most likely to be classmates were standing looking as if not caring but still appraising each other . there must have been something wrong with my face because she smiled at me the next instant , which broke the tension. The warden arrived that instant and we were asked to come inside
In side the room where warden decided the rooms we’ll take I and the elegant girl whom I’ll later know as veni became attached to each other and were granted the same room .
As I made my way through the hostel and to the room which was to be my home for next one year I felt a certain butterfly effect in my stomach , it was due to excitement or nervousness I can’t figure out.
The luggage formalities were all done and then I glanced back at my mom who had leave any second
Veni and I went downstairs to the gate of the hostel where both of us wished our parents goodbye , I felt tears stinging my eyes as I saw them go but I wiped them away and looked back at the hostel which was to be my home for new adventures and then with rising excitement I went back to my room feeling sure that this is what was to be …
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
GOODBYE
I have never been good at saying goodbyes, I always used to shy away from goodbyes and turn away when the time came in order to spare myself the pain of of saying the last words. But as years go by I still feel the same pain, I have never been able to let go and that comes because I have never been able to say a proper goodbye to all things which have been part of my life , to all people who have shaped my life and then gone out of it
I would like to go back in time and bid my childhood home a goodbye, the trees under whose shadows I played , I would love to go back and stand under the shades and remember the person I used to be, people will say she is living in the past and I would agree to some extent that yes I am what is the past but a part of myself a part which has shaped the current me. What harm is there to go back and be the past and for some time atleast escape the now life
Most of us however we are whatever we are always have preserved the memories of good things in life, just try and remember to the worst day of your life and you’ll still find something in that worse day which isn’t bad at all
So whats the harm in going down the memory lane once in a while of only to say goodbye !!!!!!!!
So I begin , I would go back to my childhood home , 3-d -19
I would say good bye to every nook and corner of that house , because in that house I have spent the happiest years of my life, I feel as if my innocence is still hiding there in the corner
It was a house with personality, I was living in a colony where all houses were same and yet I found my house my home to be quaintest of all. It had so many trees , so many that most of the time it was shrouded in trees shade . I loved imagining myself as the lost princess in the forest of trees
I used to play all kinds of imaginary games to fill the time when I was alone
They were good days , tv hadn’t captured my imagination till then and I was a free soul , a free mind and a free spirit to play as much and to imagine as much. The dolls I had , the games I played are all there in that house. I would go back and wish them all goodbye. I would say goodbye to the trees and the magic I created around them after I had read the faraway book series of Enid Blyton.
I would bid adieu to the rooms each of which has occupied a separate memory space in my brain. My study room which I inherited from my brother and the only room which I have called my own ever. That room had always held magic from me. I was there to read and get into studies and yet be there as a whole person. When ever things overwhelmed as they would sometimes I would go out to the terrace at night and watch out the night sky , so clear nights , so many stars and the quietness of the surroundings calmed my heart .
Where else have I ever got that contentment , where else have I got that stillness , where else have I ever felt one with my soul.
I ‘ll bid bye to the terrace and my study room , I’ll bid bye to the moon rising over the sky which has never looked the same since those days
I’ll stand in the corner and watch the rain pelting down and feel the freshness of the air around
I’ll run my hands along the contours of walls and imagine myself back in time when life was still so uncomplicated
I’ll say heartfelt thanks and a proper goodbye and come away with a feeling of being again joined in the thread of time which have entangled around me .
I would always regret tos ay that in our hurry of shifting to another house I could never say goodbye to the only house which I remember being so happy that I can’t remember one sad feeling associated with it. But with this trip back past I have finally made peace with having to say goodbye to one of the most precious things in one’s life-that is childhood.
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